Some excerpts from The New Devil’s Dictionary
actually, (intr.): A disorder in the male genome that causes the vocal cords to spasm whenever a member of the opposite sex is speaking.
artist (n.): A pauper who receives admiration in lieu of payment.
author (n.): A small plant that requires little nourishment, but lots of trimming.
bias (a.): All the skeletons in the soul’s closet.
binge watch (v.): To marinate the brain in preparation for a post-embodied future.
Bitcoin (n.): A revolutionary digital currency free of central banks, deposits, or stable concepts of ownership and value.
bot (n.): Someone on the internet who is desirable to you and who inexplicably finds you desirable.
cannabis (n.): A sinister plant whose devastating effects include affability, joy, arousal, pain relief, profundity, and a desire for nachos.
car (n.): A suit of armor that grants its wearer delusions of invulnerability while depriving them of social graces.
censor (v.): To violently suppress creative works by talking about them on the internet.
consciousness (n.): To supplant awareness of one’s surroundings with a less interesting object: one’s self.
democracy (n.): A system in which you and a person who just wrote an outrageously racist internet comment containing several grammatical errors are indistinguishable.
drone (n.): An exciting new field in applied ethics that seeks to determine how many deaths society will find acceptable in exchange for a cool new way of delivering toiletries by air.
district (n.): An electoral map drawn in the style of M.C. Escher.
Dr. Oz (n.): A doctor less credible in administering medical advice than his cousin, a fictional magician living in a sparkling emerald fortress.
earnings (n.): A quarterly report on a company’s success in squeezing its customers and paying its employees just enough to prevent them from dying.
explainer (n.): A vegetable that fancies itself a fruit.
eyeballs (n.): The round parts of the eyes of a vertebrate, traditionally amputated and shipped to advertisers upon the viewing of content.
fan (n.): A person studiously dedicated to preventing the improvement of their favorite things.
fan fiction (v.): A significant creative work reimagined as a poorly edited romance novel.
free speech (n.): A mandate to shove one’s worst ideas into the public sphere.
gang (n.): An organized criminal enterprise, often seen operating in broad daylight. The prototypical gang uniform includes a nightstick, a pair of handcuffs, a gun, and a badge.
GMO (n.): An evil, inorganic foodstuff produced by a heterodox cult in the most abhorrent of lairs: laboratories. These should not be confused with organic foods, formed through more than 10,000 years of selective breeding in outdoor laboratories, also known as farms.
homeopathy (n.): The belief that sharing a root with homeostasis is sufficient to maintain it.
human (n.): An animal remarkable for its obstinate pride in self-conscious thought, the one feature that distinguishes it from other, happier creatures.
intellectual property (n.): An example of oxymoron.
jury (n.): A more intimate form of voting that ruins a single person’s life instead of the entire nation.
killing it (v.): (1) Fashionable hyperbole used to praise behavior that would be considered a minimum requirement of one’s job in any rational environment, beneath mention or merit. (2) A lie told to a group of people who will soon be fired.
musical (n.): A remedial academy for mediocre singers who can act, and mediocre actors who can sing.
mute (v.): To encroach on the free speech rights of another person by concealing their violent threats of rape and murder.
old (adj.): Something from an hour ago.
operating system (n.): A set of instructions designed to make a particular machine incompatible with other machines.
philosophy (n.): The domain of human knowledge related to insisting that the progress of science must be leashed to navel-gazing.
Photoshop (n.): A picture worth a thousand lies.
privacy (n.): A basic human right one irrevocably surrenders upon the severing of their umbilical cord, to be returned no earlier than the moment of their death.
quirky (adj.): Someone who wears glasses.
quote (n.): A mis-attributed statement that has been optimized for search engines.
robocall (n.): A politician’s way of telling you that you are not important enough to be spoken to by a real person.
science (n.): A substance whose physical properties change depending on its proximity to religion.
scientist (n.): Someone with a highly advanced academic degree who seems to only use their wealth of knowledge to make pedantic challenges against the movies you love.
share (v.): According to Silicon Valley, sharing occurs when a benefactor generously donates temporary ownership of an object while receiving permanent ownership of the borrower’s money.
trans-humanist (n.): Someone so enamored with the misery of a natural lifespan that they wish to make it endless.
tweet (v.): The act of using few words to express fewer ideas.
vaccine (n.): A breakthrough in medicine capable of saving children from nearly every one of humanity’s great plagues, except the stupidity of their parents.